Adventures in Substance Distortion

30 September, 2024

CW: substances (alcohol, cannabis, psilocybin), personal experiences with BPD

Please act responsibly, have a friend, do your research, test your shit, etc., and if you live in a place where whatever you want to try is illegal, be fucking careful. Use your discretion, use your judgment, use common sense.

The following is something I wrote while experiencing a mild high on psilocybin ("magic") mushrooms, back in August 2024. (Edited for spelling/easier reading/to provide context.)

Afterimages from closing my eyes. [Was staring at the roof next door, then closed my eyes to the following afterimage] It's not like...fire burning it away. More like it's dissolving into the sunset, the sunset of the human era. The twilight of this world comes into ash.

Watching my own hands doing things [against the backdrop of wood grain, in which I'd previously noticed some strange visual movement] feels a bit like 1080p60fps, and it's *weird.* [I had also noticed some strange blurring around my field of vision while looking at certain things, not unlike the weird RGB edge blurring effects in the movie Push. If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about.]

The following was written the very next day. No editing is needed for this part.

So, it's the next day. I feel oddly okay. Relaxed. I've thought about some upsetting things today and had fairly stressful experiences (started new job), but I haven't really had moments where anything really...bothered me. I've been able to let it pass me on by, which is fairly unusual for me.

Even after any noticable effects had come and gone, I'd been a lot more relaxed with my time with my partner and her friend, who *did* have more shrooms than myself, and *were* experiencing visual distortions and time dilation. The personal masking of my ADHD had virtually been dissolved into thin air. My physical energy seemed to gain a boost as well - basically, I had the rascally, climb-up-the-walls energy of every 12 year old ever, except as a 20-something adult.

The following are my observations after the fact.

The things I have had a desire to try, so far, have unmasked different things. (I only have a desire to try shrooms and weed - maybe alcohol when life is *truly* bad.)

Weed is fun, specifically sativa, in that it seems to unmask my (multiply-peer diagnosed) autism in one way or another. It just lets me be a cool, stoned little guy. Smoking weed doesn't feel great, and to me, it doesn't deliver the same effect as my preferred vehicle: edibles. Other people seem to notice a difference in my behaviour when I've smoked weed, but I personally have trouble feeling it.

(Looks at the time I pulled a full-power blinker off a dab pen, and hardly felt anything)

Anyways: edibles. 10mg is the legal store-sold limit for them here, and thankfully, that is *more* than it takes to turn me into a silly little guy. Personally, I like the intensity of the high that edibles provide, and I think that that experience is fun. Also, an interesting side note is that it seems to help me with a dysfunction I didn't even know I had? I won't get into too much detail, because I feel weird about talking about it, but there is some evidence in studies, suggesting that cannabis usage can help with sexual dysfunction. Don't take that as absolute fact, but rather, as an interesting set of anecdotes, to be further investigated.

(Indica puts me directly to sleep. I don't actually like this, though I completely understand why others might like that, or otherwise seek that out).

Alcohol was not fun, in that even though I was crossfaded, and was a happy and stoned little guy, I didn't like the fact that it seemed to unmask my (multiply peer-diagnosed; psychistrist-suspected) BPD. What I mean by that is that I was more verbally honest about myself, what horrible things I think about myself, and that I shouldn't be around anyone, in some sort of ill-fated effort to "protect" them from...something that I'm *surely* doing wrong. Some sort of harm that I *must* be bringing upon them, by way of simply *being around them*. I wish they would say *something* to validate those feelings, because I don't want to hurt them in *any* way, ever - and that includes verbalizing those feelings of my own accord. Sure, all the hate is directed inwards, towards myself, but it doesn't change the fact that unmasking it can still lead to people I care about being hurt as a result - some of whom *also* have BPD.

As a result, I don't think I'll come back to alcohol anytime soon. At the very least, I'll make sure it's not *just* alcohol, or I'll save it for when I'm both going through terrible shit, AND for when I am *totally* sure that I'm alone.

(Thankfully, noone was around for those vocalizations. There's a reason why I want to be alone during any future experiences with alcohol.)

Mushrooms are cool, and they seemed to unleash the (multiply peer-diagnosed, psychiatrist-diagnosed) ADHD. I like being able to think about a thing and let it pass on by, without effect. Of course, the right mindset is important. The last thing I want to experience is a bad trip; I've heard quite horrific things about those. I didn't have the same fuzzy effect as I do on weed, which...I think I prefer? Not having that feeling, I mean. Though, again, it was a low dose, probably diluted a bit by way of steeping the shrooms in tea first.

(Shoutout to a friend of mine, who recommended Earl Grey Vanilla with a crapton of sugar. I didn't taste any weirdness at all. By the way, if you're reading this: stop, and go play Minecraft skibidi or whatever lmao, you're awesome)

The intestinal weirdness was less than ideal for the next day or so, but I firmly believe that it was well worth it. In fact, I hope I get to do it again soon, this time as a proper "tripping balls" experience...

(By the way: Canada's a bit weird about hallucinogenics. They are considered highly illegal, and yet, there are physical stores popping up all the time in BC offering them. You can literally shop online for them and have them shipped to you, with very few possible - if any - consequences for you. I am not a legal expert, though, so don't take my word as gospel.)

Anyways. I find it interesting that each substance seems to unmask a different facet of my neurodivergence, even when one of those is *far* less entertaining and harmless than the others. It's still a good learning experience, to be sure. Now I know that it's better to leave certain things masked, or at least, until I can learn *effective* strategies with which to manage them.

(I'm talking about alcohol and BPD. I shall save it for only the rainiest of truly-alone days.)

Learning to unmask AuDHD is a process that I don't think I'm equipped to handle by myself. In the past, when I told myself that I wanted to drop my guard, I would try and try and try...but I knew, deep down, that I wasn't fully letting myself do so. It's like the masks were physically grafted onto my head; never to be removed by myself.

I've learned that, sometimes, it's good to recruit a little bit of help in the process. It may not be my main motive for getting high (I just like being a silly little guy who doesn't feel an intense need to be Useful to people, in an ongoing urge to justify my own existence), but it's certainly a neat little perks package.

If you do indulge in any substances yourself: next time you do, see if there's anything you notice being unmasked about yourself. Take note of it, however misspelled and out of context it might be. You never know what you might find.

Below is the unedited version of the shroom notes, during that teeny little trip, for your entertainment. All spelling mistakes are my own. Dyslexic folks and/or those using screenreaders might struggle with this.

Aftsrimags from closing my eyes od things oufside isnt like...fire budning if away. More likd its dissolving it into the sunset, the sunset of the human era. The twilight of this world comes imto adh.

Things feel a bit lile

Watxhing my own ha ds dping things feels a bit liek 1080p60fps and its wwweeeeirdddd